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140,541 Literary Works • 673,412 Reviews
THIS WAS HILARIOUS! lol. I loved this! funny and funnier.
Yours always,
LOL at the ending!
I don't think it was terribly badly written.
You should add a dash ( - ) instead of the comma. It makes it look more broken up, if you see what I mean.
I'm not too sure here about this. As you have a full stop, the "he" should start with a capital letter; if you keep the small letter, it should be a comma.
Um, colon ( : ) here, instead?
Again, should this be a capital?
Switch these round - they're in the wrong place.
I thought it was Lindling who said this, the first time I read it. It might be me being particually dense here, but maybe you could add something round it, to make it clear who said it? Like, Berdance's face resembled a dark thundercloud. “Have you been playing Calvinball again with Gudspel and Elby?” Just a thought.
Aside from that, it was funny!
-Shadow